Labor Image number 2

Today I worked to complete the labor image. I spent the majority of my time drawing figures and trying to get proportions right. once again I used crayons and cut the drawn figures out and glued them onto the piece from the previous class. I was surprised at how long it took me to do this I work soooooo slow sometimes.

Labor Image

During today's class I worked on creating the image I had during the last part of labor. After receiving the epidural I felt tremendous pressure from the baby during each contraction. I was very drowsy and in and out of shallow sleep. Each time I had a contraction I saw myself in a corridor that looked like rib bones made up the walls and floor. I was walking towards the opening of the long narrow space and looking back with my hand reaching out for the baby's. I imagined that I was encouraging and gently leading him out. this image was comforting and seemed to further the bond between me and him as we got closer and closer to him being there. Over the course of numerous contractions, the image changed to involve my husband as well. The three of us were there with Ryan holding onto the baby as we walked out.

The image I completed today was only of the corridor. I used crayons because I realized I had to be able to care for Uriah at any moment without risking something being toxic or dangerous to his still new but frail immune system. I also didn't want to get him dirty as he is able to to that on his own now pretty easily:) I will finish the piece next class.

Birth Story...

Today was my first day back at class. During the time we (me and Uriah) were there, I tried to write the birth story, but found that it was way too long to put up on here. So... here's the shortened version.

I went into labor on 3/6/10 at about 5:30 am. I woke Ryan up around 7:30 am because I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with each contraction. He ran around doing last minute cleaning and was with me each time a contraction came on helping to make me comfortable and keep track of the time in between them etc. We went to the hospital around 12:00 pm and stayed for awhile. We were given the option to be admitted or go home for awhile. I chose to go home because of complete discomfort in the hospital room and, once again, with the monitors. I felt very confined and did not want to stay. We ended up back at the hospital around 7:30 pm and this time we were admitted. I was given pitocin to speed up the birthing process. We had an amazing doula there who helped me be more comfortable through the back labor, and she commented that Ryan was the most supportive and involved husband that she had seen in her three years working as a doula!

I was very uncomfortable with being checked for dilation as it was painful and all the staff were not always considerate of when they were doing this. A couple of times I had to ask nurses to wait until a contraction was over before trying. This was the WORST part of the experience.

I made it to 5 cm dilation after about 20 hours worth of labor. I had wanted to have a fully natural birth, but came to the realization that if I was only 1/2 way there after this long that I wouldn't have the energy to push the baby out without some sort of pain medication. I actually panicked and lost all concentration until the pain meds were administered. Then I had a kink in my catheder for the epidural and only got some of the effects of it. This worked out to my advantage though and I was easily able to feel where I needed to push when the time came.

Long story even shorter... Uriah was born at 8:54 am. I had one image in particular that went through my mind with each contraction towards the end of labor that I will try to recreate later.

New Arrival!!!!

Today we welcomed Uriah Edward Brockner 6 lbs 3 oz, 19 in! In a word AMAZING :)

Frustration...

Today was a frustrating day in the studio and in general. I had a doctor's appointment and found out that I am no further dilated or effaced than I was before. This feels like things are dragging, and I am worried that I won't be able to take advantage of next week being spring break. What I mean by that is I was genuinely hoping for the baby to get here before Spring break so that I could have extra time with the baby before having to return to class.

This was reflected in my studio work in that I couldn't get motivated and I didn't like anything that I was doing. I tried going back and working with a piece I started (the cardboard) and could not get into it. UGH....

Hospital Impressions...

This past week was one that proved difficult for me. At a doctors appointment on 2/25/10 I was identified as having high blood pressure and was sent over to labor and delivery at the hospital that we will be having our baby at. I was hooked up to monitors that closely look at the baby's activity and heart rate as well as my own heart rate. Additionally I had blood drawn and had to do a 24 hour urine sampling to check for protein in my blood or urine. The doctor told Ryan and I that if the tests came back with higher levels, that we would be induced as soon as possible. The emotions I felt went from worry to excitement at the thought of the baby being here soon. Tests came back negative and I was crushed for some reason. It was odd because here was this big emergency thing where they wanted to have us monitored carefully... then everything was just dropped and it was "see you for your next week's appointment"

At any rate, I thought about this hospital experience and about the book I finally got in the mail called "Birthing From Within" In it they talk about women's experience of the hospital and what impressions people get from the way that women are presented (i.e. in an open backed hospital gown). The book asks women to think about what the experience means to them and what assumptions come immediately. I have had that in the back of my head, but furthermore, I wanted to reflect on my most recent experience of the hospital.

I felt restricted by the monitors and found them to be painful. Every time the baby would move and put pressure on them it really hurt. When they were taken off I had marks on my belly showing their exact shape and placement. It felt bruised. I had cords from these things that wrapped around me and that I had to call for help just to use the bathroom. I was grateful for the care, but largely put off and am now nervous about what my experience at the time of delivery will be like.

I made a book and using pencil, created a reflection of my experience. I chuckle at my choice of materials because pencil and eraser are the ones that we identify in art therapy as highly controlled. And yes, I do have a desire to be more in control and less at the mercy of random circumstance.
Don't know why this imported with the orientation all messed up... you'll just have to tilt your head I guess.

Waiting...

My motivation for working seems to be dwindling. I look at the pieces I have in process and have no desire to work with them at all. When I came into the studio today I knew that I needed to go with collage so that I would have a place to start. What has been on my mind is that this end part of my pregnancy is a total waiting game. Lately I have been hearing the words of my family members who are convinced that I will go into labor early and it is making the waiting even more unbearable. I sit and wonder if there is something wrong with my body that I'm not holding my baby yet. On the home front, my husband is going through his own form of preparation. I've been teasing him about being the one who is nesting instead of me. He has really done some wonderful work on the house and in the baby's room to get things ready. It's crazy because our lives are on hold waiting for one moment! My artwork reflects this wait and the observation of my husband's nesting instincts. I wonder to myself if I am alone in feeling this way or if other pregnant women or couples experience the same amount of impatience and restlessness.

Belly Mold!

Even though class was canceled today, I spent much of my day engaged in process. This time I had some help from my wonderful husband, Ryan.

I had been doing some reflecting on the processes I had been engaged in. Thinking about the concept of skin, touch and the important role that touch plays in the life of people. I had a recent devotion talking about Jesus touching the lepers and how this was enormously profound because the people he touched often had not had human contact like that in years!!!! Can you imagine not being touched, even a pat on the shoulder for even one week, let alone years!? Anyway, I also was thinking about wanting to document this time in my life. After all, I'll never be able to come back to the time when I was 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby ever again. So... I went and bought plaster strips and Ryan and I made a mold of my torso.

I want to share that this is a long process that involves various steps to be carefully completed to get a good end result. But this process was INCREDIBLE to experience. There was a definite feeling of vulnerability as I lay on the floor still as I could while Ryan applied the strips. And, there was a deep level of trust and intimacy there too. With the plaster strips you have to carefully address the crevices of a person's skin or lose the honest silhouette. The strips are dipped in warm water, laid down, and smoothed out. The warmth of the water felt wonderful and I felt cared for and attended to as Ryan took time to decide where and how to place each piece, gently smoothing the strips. I realized there would have been no one else I could have possibly done this with. I also thought about clients I have had in the past and how because of the ways that they have been touched wrongly when in that kind of vulnerable state with those they should have been able to trust that they have been robbed of the opportunity to know what it feels like to be cared for in such a way. The vulnerability would be too dangerous, in some of their minds would pose a literal threat to their survival.

As I tried to lay as still as possible, I was also aware of the baby's movement inside of me. I could feel him move, but couldn't see the ripples that I normally see in my skin because of the hardening plaster. I almost felt panicked... thinking get this thing off of me, I don't want another barrier between me and him. I gained an awareness that though there is skin between myself and him, that there is still a deeper connection in being able to see my belly move as a result of him twisting and turning. The plaster ended up showing me that I can touch him in some way, but also emphasized the barrier that I feel too.

There is so much more that was a part of this experience. I don't feel I have the room or the words to fully explain what it was like. Ryan and I plan to do a small series of the castings in the time I have left being pregnant so I'll try to add more to the descriptions then. But here's some pictures of the piece with 3 layers of acrylic and gesso, which I applied in the studio later in the day.

Rip, Paint, Play...

Yeah for another studio day! When I came into class today I wanted to work with the painting some more. I had chosen to leave it at the studio instead of taking it home the last time I worked on it (usually it hangs on my fridge in between classes). Oddly, it seemed that because of this I couldn't work on the piece. There was a large disconnect that I couldn't get over and once again I had to leave it and go to something else.

I found some cardboard pieces in the hallway and immediately scooped them up to use. My process began by tearing away the smooth top layer to the cardboard to reveal the bumpy surface underneath. However, I left some of the tattered pieces on it to give depth and because I loved how the grains of the paper felt when ripped.
I then decided to paint the piece with a mixture of gold and white paint to emphasize the parts of the original top paper that remained. I continued to work with the textures and depth that could be created using different paint colors. I added tissue paper with glossy gel medium and then proceeded to rip holes in those parts and put them in different areas. During the process I felt that I was playing, like I did as a child making mud pies in the yard. What will happen if I add this? What about this... I was completely lost in the wonder of the "I wonder" world. How often do we do this as adults!?!? So often we are calculated and plan things. It was wonderfully freeing to just PLAY.

The last thing that I did was to add crays pas to the piece. I wanted to be able to feel the different parts of it, to really get to know what was in the deepest crevices. So I would color on it and then use my finger to smear the oil into the folds. Again I found that there was this desire for touch. To truly know the piece, not jut to superficially look at it and touch it with a brush... I wanted to feel it in my hands. The final piece of what resulted looked a great deal like the other texturized piece I completed. The color scheme was very similar as was the effect of the tissue paper layering. Still I find a fascination with this emphasis I seem to be placing on touch and the pull I feel towards work that I can engage with in this way vs. the other painting. It makes me wonder if part of my frustration with the other piece is that it is about this baby that I still can not yet touch... food for thought!

Gallery Visit & Painting...

We had a wonderful opportunity today to visit an art show on SIUE's campus. The show was a compilation of undergraduate students' work. What we saw was really impressive and engaging work. I found that I was drawn mostly to the ceramic pieces, which were vessel forms. I connected to them on a deeper level because of the way they could be viewed, both inside and out. I had an epiphany about this as I wrote my reflection on the walk. I have been feeling lately that I want to know what the baby growing inside of me looks like, and what his world looks like from the inside. There is a curiosity about it and a certain level of excitement and anxiousness to see just what's been cookin' in there for so long. Ok, it may not be that long... but it feels like an eternity, trust me. The pieces I viewed sometimes offered a sneak peak inside (if I stood on my tip toes) but other times were closed by a lid. I had to fight the temptation to remove the cover and look at what was inside. And, I was captivated by a piece that was made up of numerous little vessels suspended from the ceiling upside down. Here I got to see what I was wanting so badly to see in the others.

Upon getting back to the studio, I once again had a desire to work on the watercolor painting that has been in process from the onset of this class. I worked to create the background of the piece. Perhaps this is what I can know for now... what the outside looks like.

Revisiting...

During today's class we got to have studio time again. I had planned on working on the painting I started because I keep having the feeling that I should be done with it already. Sometimes I feel I'm working at a snail's pace and should have more to show for the hours of work I have put into a piece. It's a bit frustrating at times, but I know that I am fully invested in the time that I am given to work.

Anyway, I did not end up working on the painting because when I would go to do something with it, I didn't feel as though I really knew what was supposed to be done to it. I thought it would be better then to leave it sit. As some of our readings have pointed out, a period of incubation can be necessary. So, instead I worked with the brown paper piece I had manipulated before. As I looked at it, I noticed cracks and crevices that I wanted to emphasize. It looked to me like a map that had numerous paths that could be explored. I used black ink to pull out those areas and create connections between one part and another. I found that if certain places weren't connected that I couldn't sit with the piece. I had to change it, form bridges or it wouldn't be quite right.
As I worked, I began to see other parts of the image that needed to be added, that begged to be brought forward. The result was three large swirls and ink splatters. The swirls weave in and out of the different colors of the piece creating a layered effect. This is something that I do in my work quite a bit. I love the look of depth and of there possibly being more if you could peel back one part. To me it makes me want to look further, to wonder what would be uncovered if I could be so small as to walk around on or in my pieces.

I wasn't sure upon leaving the class that what was there looked right. It didn't look balanced to me it seemed there should be something else. However, after hanging it up at home and sitting with it, it does feel complete.

I also liked how this piece photographed on our hardwood floors :)

Reoccuring Symbols....

Today I brought both pieces I have been working on to class and really felt drawn towards my painting. I wanted to address the background of the piece and began working with dark purples and black layering them little by little. As I worked, I saw shapes that needed to be created and brought out. As I worked I found that I knew exactly what colors needed to be used. I would struggle against it, thinking no I don't know if green is right with the other colors of the piece. However, the more I struggled against it, the more I knew I had to go with my instincts.

I used colored pencils and watercolor to layer and bring forward the richness of color that I desired from it. I was stunned by how slow the process was and felt like I hadn't accomplished much at the end of the class period. I also had a feeling of dissatisfaction with the piece. However, after hanging the piece and passing it at home I decided that I really do like what resulted and am excited to keep working on it. I also realized that the symbols that I had added were present in past pieces that I painted. One that I started before becoming pregnant, but finished after I had found out that I was. I think I'll do some more research into what the symbols are and could mean.

Playing with Texture...

The weather today did not permit me to bring my painting with me to class, and so I began another process working with brown paper and other materials.

I love the feel of different textures in artwork and like to create things that draw people in and make them want to feel the piece. With the idea of skin in my head, I began working. I crumpled up the paper and then began applying paint in various tones of gray, brown, and white. What resulted was something resembling a topographical map or animal hide. From here the creative process took over and I let go of any ideas I had about what this piece would be and just followed the artist drive. I began adding white tissue paper with gel medium and noticed that the result
reminded me of the white covering on a baby when they are born. However, I let this idea go and continued to work adding more paint and eventually copper wire that weaved in and out of the paper in swirl patterns.

Next, I became aware that the piece didn't look right and needed to be rearranged somehow. I decided to rip the piece into various shapes, then from the rubble, piece it back together through the slow, tedious, and sometimes painful process (I pricked my finger a few times) of sewing. What resulted was a completely different form and effect. Looking back now, I believe that this is so much like what the Lord does with the rubble of my life when I give things over to Him, and how I feel as I let him refine me. By the end of class I knew there was more that needed to be done, and I had a very hard time stopping the process.
I went home and continued to work, sewing felt pieces behind the holes and adding blue painted brown bags that had gone through the same process as the others. The piece isn't finished, but I got to a point of such frustration at not knowing what it needed that I had to walk away. All part of the process!

Links...

I have been wanting to show links to sites that I have been looking at and gathering information from in personal research about pregnancy issues and art therapy. Here's a great one that gives small pieces of thoughts from pregnant women about some of the things they experienced...

http://www.derby.ac.uk/press-office/news-archive/can-art-therapy-soothe-angry-mothers

If this doesn't appear as a link, please bear with me. I'm still learning how this whole thing works ;) more artwork to come later!

Skin...

Today was another studio day in creative process. I struggled to begin and at various times during class felt stuck as to where to take the piece. I thought more than once that the piece was complete, but realized that it truly wasn't as I surrendered to the process and let my hands work, giving more depth and life to the piece. As I reflect on the changed work, and the image that evolved, I think even more about the concept of touch and skin.

My thoughts about this baby lately really center around a deep desire to hold him... to touch him, and feel the warmth of his skin. While I love playing the guessing game of what part is that as they move across my abdomen, I also long to see those knees, elbows and delicate facial features and to touch them. I realized that though I feel his abstract movements more than anyone else, and share a deep emotional connection with him, I share with others the inability to truly touch my son. My artwork reflects this idea of boundaries. The mother's hand on the bottom holding her pregnant belly is kept from fully touching the infant inside by the membranes of her own womb and the shell of skin which delicately holds the space in which the child is growing. I realize that my body is constantly holding my child, rocking him, cradling him, and providing for all his needs. So why
this deep ache for the touch of the skin!? Well... what is skin!? The medterms.com defines it as: "the body's outer covering which protects us against heat and light, injury, and infection. It regulates body temperature and stores water, fat, and vitamin D. It is the body's largest organ." To me that definition fails miserably at telling what it is about skin that is so important, and why we long for skin to skin contact. Through the touch of skin we know hot, cold, pain, comfort, the bite of winter's air, and the caress of a summer breeze, the sting of a slap, or warmth of a back rub. Through touching skin we nurture, show care, provide support and even say hello or the opposite of those things. Without human contact through touching skin, people go crazy, and infants show stunted brain functioning. It becomes obvious to me then that this yearning is a yearning for an even deeper level of attachment and bonding to occur between myself and my baby... 32 weeks down, 8 to go.

January 15, 2010 Pictures...

Here are the pictures as promised... with a little hello from Ryan. Appropriate, don't you think!?

Visual Paradox...

Yesterday was the first day of having studio time in Creative Process. In beginning my artwork, I wanted to hold onto the idea of spontaneous creation to bring about those things held inside of me that need to be given a place in space.

I was drawn to papers that were different from one another... different in texture, in weight, in size, and in the definition of their edges. I glued the pieces together to form a larger surface on which to start. I became interested in the rough edges of the watercolor paper and wanted to emphasize the edge where the watercolor paper met the drawing paper.

After this, I had a simple line image come to mind which suggested the silhouette of a woman and a womb. I began thinking of the images I had seen of what the inside of the womb looks like and continued to work with tissue paper, glue and watercolor to demonstrates some of those things. I loved being able to touch the tissue paper and create the texture as it met the paper.

As I continued to work, I noticed that the surface of the image was changing. The water was causing the paper to warp from something flat into something bumpy and harder to work with. It was frustrating, but still OK.


I continued to work on the image today (picture to come later due to my camera battery charger being MIA), and reflected on what I had been thinking about and feeling recently related to my pregnancy. There is this concept from other people that when they touch your pregnant belly that they are touching the baby growing inside of you. It is their way of connecting to this wonder of life that exists outside of what they can see truly see or experience. What is missed so often is that when a hand (or any other body part for that matter) comes in contact with a child in that way, one is really touching the mother!!! The warmth of the hand, whether it is soft or rough, firm, or gentle is felt by the mother. This touch to her abdomen, is an intimate exchange between the woman and the person who is touching her body.

In my experience so far, some people want to reach out and touch me to try and feel the baby kick or move, while others are afraid to. Then, there are times when people touch other parts of me, but avoid touching my pregnant belly, even seem to jump back from it if they accidently make contact. It is these times when I want to scream.... this is me!!!! This is my skin, my body, and yes there is a baby growing inside of me, but that's on the inside, and the outside is still me! And the person you're jumping back from touching is me! Lately I feel this odd paradox between being captivated, amazed, and thankful for the deep connection I have both emotionally and physically to my baby, and also having a longing for separation and the acknowledgement that this child and I are two separate beings. Almost a longing to be just me again but still treasuring the time I have where he is so much a part of me.

The metaphoric things that come about in the image I have began blow me away because they reflect the holding of this paradox. The two different pieces of paper glued together, yet the paint that emphasizes that they are separate. And also some of the natural parts of pregnancy demonstrated in what happened to the paper. Your body changes as a result of this added being and transforms into a bumpier, harder to get around in you. So curious as to whether or not this is something other pregnant women have felt, and if they did art, if that was reflected too!?

Beginning...

To begin the creative process, we were asked to first come up with an area of curiousity to explore through art and the documentation process. I have noticed from before the time that I was aware that I was pregnant, that my artwork looks different and often reflects what is happening in my body and with the baby growing inside of me. I am interested in paying more attention to this on a personal level by spontaneously creating artwork and looking at it through the lens of a woman who is expecting, and in a couple more months, that of a new mother. Furthermore, I am curious to see the artwork of other pregnant women and new mothers to see if we will share common themes or symbols in our work.

This is not only an opportunity for me to document a unique and very special time in my life, but also to inform further practice in art therapy. I have worked with pregnant and new mothers in some form for the last year and a half and am excited to embark on a journey that will help me be more aware of art during pregnancy and after the birth of a child. Being conscious of this and in tune with the body and emotions that come along with such an experience, I believe can inform practice in how empathy is developed and the client better understood.