Reoccuring Symbols....

Today I brought both pieces I have been working on to class and really felt drawn towards my painting. I wanted to address the background of the piece and began working with dark purples and black layering them little by little. As I worked, I saw shapes that needed to be created and brought out. As I worked I found that I knew exactly what colors needed to be used. I would struggle against it, thinking no I don't know if green is right with the other colors of the piece. However, the more I struggled against it, the more I knew I had to go with my instincts.

I used colored pencils and watercolor to layer and bring forward the richness of color that I desired from it. I was stunned by how slow the process was and felt like I hadn't accomplished much at the end of the class period. I also had a feeling of dissatisfaction with the piece. However, after hanging the piece and passing it at home I decided that I really do like what resulted and am excited to keep working on it. I also realized that the symbols that I had added were present in past pieces that I painted. One that I started before becoming pregnant, but finished after I had found out that I was. I think I'll do some more research into what the symbols are and could mean.

Playing with Texture...

The weather today did not permit me to bring my painting with me to class, and so I began another process working with brown paper and other materials.

I love the feel of different textures in artwork and like to create things that draw people in and make them want to feel the piece. With the idea of skin in my head, I began working. I crumpled up the paper and then began applying paint in various tones of gray, brown, and white. What resulted was something resembling a topographical map or animal hide. From here the creative process took over and I let go of any ideas I had about what this piece would be and just followed the artist drive. I began adding white tissue paper with gel medium and noticed that the result
reminded me of the white covering on a baby when they are born. However, I let this idea go and continued to work adding more paint and eventually copper wire that weaved in and out of the paper in swirl patterns.

Next, I became aware that the piece didn't look right and needed to be rearranged somehow. I decided to rip the piece into various shapes, then from the rubble, piece it back together through the slow, tedious, and sometimes painful process (I pricked my finger a few times) of sewing. What resulted was a completely different form and effect. Looking back now, I believe that this is so much like what the Lord does with the rubble of my life when I give things over to Him, and how I feel as I let him refine me. By the end of class I knew there was more that needed to be done, and I had a very hard time stopping the process.
I went home and continued to work, sewing felt pieces behind the holes and adding blue painted brown bags that had gone through the same process as the others. The piece isn't finished, but I got to a point of such frustration at not knowing what it needed that I had to walk away. All part of the process!

Links...

I have been wanting to show links to sites that I have been looking at and gathering information from in personal research about pregnancy issues and art therapy. Here's a great one that gives small pieces of thoughts from pregnant women about some of the things they experienced...

http://www.derby.ac.uk/press-office/news-archive/can-art-therapy-soothe-angry-mothers

If this doesn't appear as a link, please bear with me. I'm still learning how this whole thing works ;) more artwork to come later!

Skin...

Today was another studio day in creative process. I struggled to begin and at various times during class felt stuck as to where to take the piece. I thought more than once that the piece was complete, but realized that it truly wasn't as I surrendered to the process and let my hands work, giving more depth and life to the piece. As I reflect on the changed work, and the image that evolved, I think even more about the concept of touch and skin.

My thoughts about this baby lately really center around a deep desire to hold him... to touch him, and feel the warmth of his skin. While I love playing the guessing game of what part is that as they move across my abdomen, I also long to see those knees, elbows and delicate facial features and to touch them. I realized that though I feel his abstract movements more than anyone else, and share a deep emotional connection with him, I share with others the inability to truly touch my son. My artwork reflects this idea of boundaries. The mother's hand on the bottom holding her pregnant belly is kept from fully touching the infant inside by the membranes of her own womb and the shell of skin which delicately holds the space in which the child is growing. I realize that my body is constantly holding my child, rocking him, cradling him, and providing for all his needs. So why
this deep ache for the touch of the skin!? Well... what is skin!? The medterms.com defines it as: "the body's outer covering which protects us against heat and light, injury, and infection. It regulates body temperature and stores water, fat, and vitamin D. It is the body's largest organ." To me that definition fails miserably at telling what it is about skin that is so important, and why we long for skin to skin contact. Through the touch of skin we know hot, cold, pain, comfort, the bite of winter's air, and the caress of a summer breeze, the sting of a slap, or warmth of a back rub. Through touching skin we nurture, show care, provide support and even say hello or the opposite of those things. Without human contact through touching skin, people go crazy, and infants show stunted brain functioning. It becomes obvious to me then that this yearning is a yearning for an even deeper level of attachment and bonding to occur between myself and my baby... 32 weeks down, 8 to go.

January 15, 2010 Pictures...

Here are the pictures as promised... with a little hello from Ryan. Appropriate, don't you think!?

Visual Paradox...

Yesterday was the first day of having studio time in Creative Process. In beginning my artwork, I wanted to hold onto the idea of spontaneous creation to bring about those things held inside of me that need to be given a place in space.

I was drawn to papers that were different from one another... different in texture, in weight, in size, and in the definition of their edges. I glued the pieces together to form a larger surface on which to start. I became interested in the rough edges of the watercolor paper and wanted to emphasize the edge where the watercolor paper met the drawing paper.

After this, I had a simple line image come to mind which suggested the silhouette of a woman and a womb. I began thinking of the images I had seen of what the inside of the womb looks like and continued to work with tissue paper, glue and watercolor to demonstrates some of those things. I loved being able to touch the tissue paper and create the texture as it met the paper.

As I continued to work, I noticed that the surface of the image was changing. The water was causing the paper to warp from something flat into something bumpy and harder to work with. It was frustrating, but still OK.


I continued to work on the image today (picture to come later due to my camera battery charger being MIA), and reflected on what I had been thinking about and feeling recently related to my pregnancy. There is this concept from other people that when they touch your pregnant belly that they are touching the baby growing inside of you. It is their way of connecting to this wonder of life that exists outside of what they can see truly see or experience. What is missed so often is that when a hand (or any other body part for that matter) comes in contact with a child in that way, one is really touching the mother!!! The warmth of the hand, whether it is soft or rough, firm, or gentle is felt by the mother. This touch to her abdomen, is an intimate exchange between the woman and the person who is touching her body.

In my experience so far, some people want to reach out and touch me to try and feel the baby kick or move, while others are afraid to. Then, there are times when people touch other parts of me, but avoid touching my pregnant belly, even seem to jump back from it if they accidently make contact. It is these times when I want to scream.... this is me!!!! This is my skin, my body, and yes there is a baby growing inside of me, but that's on the inside, and the outside is still me! And the person you're jumping back from touching is me! Lately I feel this odd paradox between being captivated, amazed, and thankful for the deep connection I have both emotionally and physically to my baby, and also having a longing for separation and the acknowledgement that this child and I are two separate beings. Almost a longing to be just me again but still treasuring the time I have where he is so much a part of me.

The metaphoric things that come about in the image I have began blow me away because they reflect the holding of this paradox. The two different pieces of paper glued together, yet the paint that emphasizes that they are separate. And also some of the natural parts of pregnancy demonstrated in what happened to the paper. Your body changes as a result of this added being and transforms into a bumpier, harder to get around in you. So curious as to whether or not this is something other pregnant women have felt, and if they did art, if that was reflected too!?

Beginning...

To begin the creative process, we were asked to first come up with an area of curiousity to explore through art and the documentation process. I have noticed from before the time that I was aware that I was pregnant, that my artwork looks different and often reflects what is happening in my body and with the baby growing inside of me. I am interested in paying more attention to this on a personal level by spontaneously creating artwork and looking at it through the lens of a woman who is expecting, and in a couple more months, that of a new mother. Furthermore, I am curious to see the artwork of other pregnant women and new mothers to see if we will share common themes or symbols in our work.

This is not only an opportunity for me to document a unique and very special time in my life, but also to inform further practice in art therapy. I have worked with pregnant and new mothers in some form for the last year and a half and am excited to embark on a journey that will help me be more aware of art during pregnancy and after the birth of a child. Being conscious of this and in tune with the body and emotions that come along with such an experience, I believe can inform practice in how empathy is developed and the client better understood.